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I was studying for my final exam when my iPad buzzed with horrible news. There was a school shooting in the town of Newtown, Connecticut. Suddenly I was distracted from the books as I tried to piece together what was happening/why it was happening. Updates were scarce and all the news sites were identical. The only casualty being reported then was one child, and I prayed that the child would stay alive and that the casualty would end with that.
My exam was in a couple of hours and I am someone who is obsessed with scoring high. It's quite disgusting, actually. I cringe at the sight of a B -- and I admit it's become unhealthy to try and become "perfect" - even if I know such a state doesn't exist.
Still, surrounded by studious students in a library -- my heart couldn't take it. I wanted to study, but I couldn't. I had to keep refreshing, praying, hoping for good news.
I have to admit something though. I also prayed for something else -- that the shooter wasn't Muslim. Every time a disaster strikes, every time violence is plastered on the news -- the inner voice inside me says, "please, don't be a 'Muslim'". In America, our reputation has already been scarred deeply and frankly, I pray that no extremist or lunatic contributed to this bad reputation. I hate being stared at, looked at with hate -- and so each time something like this happens -- I hope that it isn't a "Muslim" - (in quotes because I don't believe extremists are Muslims).
But that doesn't lessen the pain, obviously. It's just -- when a group you belong to is often marginalized -- you begin to think like this.
Yesterday 1 pm
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By now, I'm struggling to even read a line in the textbook. It's impossible as the number of casualties increases. And by casualties I mean -- murdered, not wounded. Thoughts are going through my mind: "Why would someone target little kids -- 5 year olds?". The earlier news reports said that the shooter was a 24 year old father of a student there (which turned out to be false) and a later news report said that the shooter's mom was a teacher at the school (also turned out to be false). So, I thought -- maybe this was a crazy father or crazy son (the latter still true).
When the number hit 27 dead, I couldn't help it. I lost it. I cried. Loudly. I wanted to scream. I had no relation to these kids, no. And I wasn't a parent. But I was an aunt. And I know how it feels to love a child so deeply and unconditionally -- and I couldn't even begin to think about how these parents felt.
20 kids. 20 kids without a Christmas -- I don't celebrate Christmas but I love the holiday season -- I love seeing everyone in a positive mood -- I love watching Christmas movies, etc. I wondered about the pain the parents must feel going back to their homes and realizing that the presents in the closet would have to be returned, and that there would be no more "tucking in".
20 kids - stripped of a future, of memories.
The story made me appreciate my teachers and my family even more. Vicki Soto, a teacher that was killed, stood in the line of fire to protect her students and others tried to hide their students to keep them safe. The principal and school psychologist tried to stop the shooter. Their bravery at this moment parallels and exceeds that of a soldier.
It also made me realize that any breath could be my last.
And it broke my heart -- and it made me think of a Quranic verse that my brother had told me days earlier (this verse is in reference to the signs of the Day of Judgment):
"People will see such days where the killer will not know why he kills, nor the innocent why he is slain." -Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)
I don't usually quote Quranic verses as I'm not well versed in them. But immediately, this had an effect on me. These kids went to school - a place that is supposed to be safe -- and were murdered for absolutely no reason. And do we really know why the shooter took the lives of all these kids? If he hated his mother -- why were the 6 and 7 year olds also put in the line of fire?
Were the Mayans then correct about next week? Not that the world is ending, but that humanity surely is...
RIP to all the children and adults. God Bless:
R.I.P. Charlotte Bacon, age 6
R.I.P. Daniel Barden, age 7
R.I.P. Rachel Davino, age 29
R.I.P. Olivia Engel, age 6
R.I.P. Josephine Gay, age 7
R.I.P. Ana M Marquez-Greene, age 6
R.I.P. Dylan Hockley, age 6
R.I.P. Dawn Hocksprung, age 47
R.I.P. Madeleine F Hsu, age 6
R.I.P. Catherine V Hubbard
R.I.P. Chase Kowalski
R.I.P. Jesse Lewis, age 6
R.I.P. James Mattioli, age 6
R.I.P. Grace McDonnell, age 7
R.I.P. Anne Marie Murphy, age 52
R.I.P. Emilie Parker, age 6
R.I.P. Jack Pinto, age 6
R.I.P. Noah Pozner, age 6
R.I.P. Caroline Previdi, age 6
R.I.P. Jessica Rekos, age 6
R.I.P. Avielle Richman, age 6
R.I.P. Lauren Rousseau, age 30
R.I.P. Mary Sherlach, age 56
R.I.P. Victoria Soto, age 27
R.I.P. Benjamin Wheeler, age 6
R.I.P. Allison N Wyatt, age 6
-Caramel
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