Number 3 from "Why I haven't Been Posting..."

Number 3 from "Why I haven't Been Posting..."

3) I've been thinking tons. And it's not that healthy type of thinking, it's that thinking that can make a  person go mad, frankly. I'll explain more in another heading.

This is a complex post, because I don't even know the purpose behind it. I think I just want a venue to discuss my thoughts -- and screen/keyboard combo does more justice than a pen/journal for me.

I had trouble sleeping for the past few nights. Normally, I don't stay awake past midnight--- but these days, I couldn't sleep until much, much later. 

The reason? Abstract thoughts.

Thoughts about hate crimes and the CT shooting. More specifically, thoughts about the fragility of life. Thoughts that give religion meaning and significance. Thoughts that make philosophy an area of study. Thoughts that can make a man (or woman) mad.

I thought about the meaning of life. And death. About what happens after. And way after. I thought about my parents. How much longer they had. And how I would feel and handle my emotions. I wondered if I could even take it.

I then pondered about existence. Why are we here anyway? Why, even 100 years, at most is such a short span of life. That -- if I live to a 100 -- I'm already ~20% there. Do you know how depressing this thinking is? To put life in this perspective? I've lived at least 20% of my life.  I mean... if I live until I'm 60, that's even worse, I'm 33% done already. How about at age 40? Well, then I only have 50% left.

Suddenly, I became less selfish. Like I mentioned, I've never experienced the death of a close family member or friend. And I don't want to. I think I rather pass first before my parents because I can't bear to live without them. I may get into arguments with them daily and may dislike their strictness and their policies, but they are my parents --- and they have sacrificed tons of their own happiness to my upbringing. But for them to be absent from my life -- I can't even begin to explain how I flooded my bed with tears when I thought about that.

I just prayed. Prayed that everything was true. That there is a heaven. That pious, believing men and women go there. That good people go there. That the kids killed in Connecticut go there. That the innocents who are dying in Palestine, Pakistan, Syria, Darfur, and anywhere where genocide takes place, go there.That my parents and siblings and nephews and nieces go there. That I go there.

And then I thought about heaven. Would we get bored if life was so perfect? Would we not care? Would we know about how our life was on Earth?

Am I the only person that thinks like this? Surely, there must be many who question existence and everything. There has to be someone who once on this trail of thoughts, can't stop. It's a scary trail. I know there is no such thing as immortality -- but I'm just scared about the future, and of loss, specifically.

Ever since these thoughts surfaced, I made sure to kiss my parents extra hard on the forehead every night.

I like religion in this sense. It keeps these uncertainties at bay most of the time (when you're not on this trail of thinking).

I wonder though... what do Atheists think?